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[12 Aug 2006|09:39pm] |
Wow. So I haven't written an entry since March 20th. I figured it was time. Not that I have anything to write about anyway so i'll probably just do some survey at the end because i'm bored and too lazy to write anything constructive. I was just up north with Brian for a week. We were 15 months on the 5th. He goes to school in about a week but hopefully i'll still see him every weekend and then next year i'm going to join him at MSU where we'll get an apartment together.
I gained six pounds on vacation. I'm fully prepared to run miles a day again and eat hardly anything. I was enjoying it before I left. It will only be a matter of time before I am small again. Not that I am overly large; I don't hate the way I look. It could just be better.
I go back to school myself in a couple weeks. I'm sort of looking forward to it because i've been a bit bored this summer but I am taking math which i've always been horrible at. Oh well. So, now a survey.
PRESENT
01. is your hair up: yes
02. is your cell phone right beside you? yes
03. do you have a bf/ gf: indeed
04. do you miss someone: yes
05. are you wearing makeup: nope
06. are you wearing chapstick: i always do
07. are you cold: not really
08. are you tired: kind of. i drove four hours home today.
09. are you excited: no
10. are you watching t.v: no
11. are you wearing pajamas: no
PAST
01. recently done anything you regret: not really
02. ever lied: yes
03. ever stuck gum under a desk: not that i recall
04. ever kick someone: i'm sure i have
05. ever trip over your own feet?: yes, i'm clumsy
06. ever thrown up because you cried so hard: i've come close to it
TODAY
01. have you cursed: not today
02. have you yelled at someone: no
03. have you gotten mad at someone: no
04. have you cried: no
05. have you called more than 3 people fuckface?: i don't remember the last time i ever called someone that...
06. IMed more than 3 people: no
Q&As
Q 01: is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A 01: yes
Q 02: where is the last place you went?
A 02: Brian's house
Q 03: who is the last person you called?
A 03: my mother
Q 04: who do you like more, your mom or dad?
A 04: i like them both
Q 05: do you have any siblings?
A 05: yes, one sister
Q 06: do you smile often?
A 06: sometimes
Q 07: do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
A 07: i'd like to think so
Q 08: do you wish on stars?
A 08: not really. although i did wish on a shooting star last night
Q 09: do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
A 09: when i remember to
Q 10: when did you last cry?
A 10: umm. probably a couple weeks ago
Q 11: do you like your handwriting?
A 11: it's alright
Q 12: are you a friendly person?
A 12: i would think so
Q 13: who's bed did you sleep in last night?
A 13: a bed at my aunts house up north
Q 14: what color shirt are you wearing?
A 14: gray
Q 15: do you have any pets?
A 15: many. too many to list.
Q 16: what is the color of your bedsheets?
A 16: white
Q 17: what were you doing at 9 last night?
A 17: i was laying on the beach of lake michigan with brian
Q 18: i can't wait until..
A 18: next summer when brian and i get an apartment
Q 19: is tom on your friends list?
A 19: yes
Q 20: look to your right. what's there?
A 20: a wall
Q 22: ever cried yourself to sleep?
A 22: yes, after my grandpa died
Q 23: ever cried on your friends shoulder?
A 23: i've cried on brian's shoulder many times
Q 24: song that makes you cry?
A 24:. i'm sure but i can't name any off the top of my head
Q 25: are you normally a happy person?
A 25: usually but i have my days
Q 26: has anyone ever said 'i love you' to you?
A 26: yes
Q 27: is your self-esteem extremely low?
A 27: it used to be, it's better now
Q 28: current music?
A 28: none
1. Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? no
2. Are you in a Relationship? yes
3. What is the best thing about your job? i'm a nanny but the kids are old so i watch tv all day.
4. Do you like more than one person right now? no
5. Are you against same sex marriage? no, i have no problem with it.
6. Did you vote for Bush? no, and even if i had voted i never would have voted for him. ever.
7. Where are you going on your next vacation? i'm not sure. hopefully up to brian's cabin.
8. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? no but i think i will in the future.
9. Last book you read? semi-detachment
10. If you could have one super power what would it be? i'm not sure. maybe to read peoples minds?
11. Where have you lived most of your life? novi
12. Where do you see yourself in 4 years? with brian teaching somewhere
13. What's your favorite smell? fresh laundry
14. Are you moody? i usually am
15. Favorite romance movie of all time? the notebook and pearl harbor were good
16. Have you ever done anything hurtful to your classmates? i don't think so
17. Have you ever gone to therapy? yes
18. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle? actually, i don't think i have
19. Have you ever toilet papered someones house? no
20. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? i usually like to tell them. no point in keeping secrets.
21. Have you ever gone camping? yes
22. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's friend? i don't have a brother
23. Have you ever gone to a nude beach? no but i would
24. Have you ever had a threesome? no
25. Have you ever had a stalker? no
26. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no, but again, i would
27. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? yes
28. Have you ever peed standing up? no, i imagine that may be difficult
29. Have you ever lied to your parents? yes but i don't anymore
30. Who do you miss right now? my grandpa
31. Ever thrown up from working out? no but i've felt very ill befpre
32. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore hat? no
33. Ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places one day? no and i never will. that would be horrible.
34. Last song you listened to? diary of jane- breaking benjamin
35. Have you ever spied on someone? i don't recall
36. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? yes, two of them..hah..
37. Who was the last person who called you? my mom
38. when was the last time you slept for more then 12 hours? i don't remember
39. Have you ever been arrested? no
40. Have you ever stolen anything? yes
41. Have you ever drank egg nog? no
50. If you could be anywhere right now where would u be? still up north with brian
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[20 Mar 2006|09:17pm] |
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i've had 1 cup of raisin bran, 1 slimfast shake and 1 Luna bar today, along with some fish at dinner and i feel wonderful. my pedometer is my new best friend. i walked/ran 10,738 steps and i'm mad at myself that it wasnt 11,000. tomorrow will be 12,000 steps. and i will be 139 pounds by sunday. only four pounds to lose. i wish i was only in the double digits again.
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[17 Mar 2006|11:38am] |
i wish i was anorexic.
again.
....
don't try to understand.
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[09 Mar 2006|12:51am] |
i swear i really am going to a do a real update soon..but for now..
i stole this from julianna's myspace..
if you have more than 45 you're rotten spoiled.......
[01]a cell phone
[02 ] a hair straightener
[ ]your own computer
[03]your own car
[ ] good grades
[ ] chanel/dior sunglasses/glasses
[ ] burberry purse
[04 ]A boyfriend/girlfriend
[05 ] a curling iron
[ ] every all american reject cd
[ ] something from american eagle
[ ] something from abercrombie
[06]something from hot topic
[07 ]a pet
[08] some type of trophy/award
[09]Full/Queen size bed
[ ] King size bed
[ ] a jersey from a professional team
[10] more than $100
[11]a radio/cd player
[ ]Monster,Full Throttle,Amp,Etc. In Your Fridge
[12] something related to Green Day
[ ]xanga
[13]myspace
[ ]a desk in your room
[14] a hill in your backyard
[ ]DVR
[ ] a pair of skis
[15]alarm clock
[ ] pair of ice skates
[16] rollerblades
[ ] treadmill
[ ] your own phone line (not including cell phone)
[17]AIM
[18]Yahoo!
[ ] MSN
[ ] ICQ
[19]perfume/cologne
[20] bath and body works lotion
[21]necklaces & bracelets
[22] a journal/diary
[23]toothbrush
[24] yogurt & peaches in your fridge
[ ] x's in your screename
[ ] a birthday in september
[ ] a famous relative
[25]a relative that lives in a different state/province
[ ] a disowned relative
[ ]an electric scooter
[ ] your own bathroom
[ ]your own band
[26]any rock band shirts
[ ]gamecube
[ ]a guitar
[ ] a hammock/sex chair
[27] a basketball hoop
[ ] a soccer net
[28] a bike
[ ] a mini van
[29] a relative that lives in Florida
[ ] a vc andrews book
[30]a friend who does alcohol/drugs/smokes
[31] bad grades
[ ] a locker at school
[ ] a baby
[ ] a pet chimpanzee
[32] sparkly blue nail polish
[ ] a "vote for pedro" tshirt/hoody
[ ] the movie "the 40 year old virgin"
[ ] a promise ring
[ ] a pool table
[ ]swimming pool
[ ] Trampoline
[33] livejournal
[34] flip flops
[ ] steve madden shoes
[35]the sims
[ ] a ping pong table
[ ] air hockey table
[ ] a basement
[36] converse
[ ] construction paper
[37] markers, crayons, etc.
[38] colouring books
[ ] nice singing voice (So I've been told...)
[ ]XBOX
[ ]PS2
[39]some type of disease
[ ] rose red movie
[40] wife beaters
[41]VCR/DVD
[42]a mom or a dad
[ ] (an) older brother(s)
[ ] (an) older sister(s)
[ ]a younger brother
[43]a younger sister
[44] a sled
[45] a lake/pond near my house
[46]friends who you love
oohh i'm spoiled..haha
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| x. |
[09 Jan 2006|10:13pm] |
so, i got in my first accident today. it wasn't as bad as i pictured my first accident would be. the road was busy and crazy and someone stopped suddenly, the guy in front of me stopped suddenly and i did not have time to brake. the hood of my car got fucked up but that was all, so my dad pounded it down until i'm able to get it fixed. hah. it looks like shit but whatever. the guy i hit was really cool about it. he was maybe like, 24. he was kind of cute too. luckily there wasn't one scratch on his brand new truck, i would have felt terrible if i fucked his car up too. brian was with me when it happened which i'm so thankful for because i started crying and hyperventilating and he went and talked to the guy for me and really helped calm me down. i was a huge mess, i cried for like an hour and couldn't breathe and he just held me and wiped away my tears telling me everything was going to be okay. i cherish him more than anything and i love him more than anyone i've ever loved before. we were 8 months on the 5th, too.
anyway, i started school again today. world religons monday and wednesday, abnormal psychology and sociology tuesday and thursday then composition II every friday. and i might have a job babysitting two older kids every day after school 3-7 just driving them to various dance and piano classes and such. they live like 4 minutes from my house so that would be a perfect job for me. full time in the summer too. lots of money for lauren. =)
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| - - - |
[07 Jan 2006|12:03am] |
so, i was tagged by lisa.
Name 5 of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick 5 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.
1. being wrapped in brian's arms in the dark under a blanket in complete silence.
2. little children's clothing. it's cute.
3. my dog, olivia.
4. driving. it's my alone time.
5. hostess chocolate cupcakes with the cream filling and gummi bears.
i'm feeling kind of sad at the moment. i don't know why. there would be no point in me explaining how i feel anyway because no one reads this fucking thing anyway. i should delete this.
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[28 Dec 2005|10:13pm] |
Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as you're fingers touch your skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no you know it will always just be, me
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off'- Panic! at the Disco
so, my christmas was good. i got some pretty jewlery from brian and lots of gift cards from family. i'm going to enjoy shopping. i hope everyone had a good holiday as well. i'm looking for a more full-time job now that i know my winter semester schedule. it sucks. i'm the kind of person that waits for others to call me. haha. like that will ever happen. oh well.
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| welcome back |
[14 Dec 2005|11:17pm] |
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i have missed you. i'm reverting back to old ways and it thrills me. no hydrodgenated oils or excessive amounts of sugar for lauren. lots of exercise, low calorie intake, it all excites me. i'm happy to have that control back. i've already lost 4 pounds and it's only the beginning. it's a horrible thing, but i wish i were anorexic again. it was wonderful, yet, at the same time, it was destructive. 84 lbs at my lowest, i will remember that day forever when i weighed in at the nutrionist and they told me i was supposed to be gaining weight, not losing it. i crave those days. i crave the looks the doctors used to give me when i walked in the room. and now, 3 years later, i am 60 lbs heavier because of various medications and it pains me. i will be at least 25 lbs lighter when the time comes around for brian to take me to prom. it will be fabulous. i will look gorgeous once again. i can't wait.
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[13 Dec 2005|01:58pm] |
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well, i'm done with my tuesday classes. 2 tomorrow then one more monday and i'm free from school for almost a month. i'm extremely excited. i'll get to spend lots of quality time with brian =). it's almost christmas! i'm looking forward to xmas, i like holidays. i have most of my xmas shopping done, too, so it's pretty stress-free this year. i hit a tree turning into my drive way today. haha. that was fun. luckily i was only going like 5 mph so it didnt do anything except chip some paint. no big deal. i dyed my hair last night, i think it looks pretty effing sweet. i'm off to work now..woo
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[19 Oct 2005|12:12am] |
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i have joined the rest of the world and gotten a myspace. im still not sure how everything works so just put in my e-mail address (stars_in_a_shoebox@hotmail.com) and add me, i need friends..haha
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[06 Oct 2005|11:08pm] |
meanwhile I hide my head
here in this paper bag
cause if I cant see you
then you can't see me
and it'll be okay
fly little bee away
to where theres no more rain
and I can be me
yeah they talk about her
she smiles like shes so tough
she says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
but someday we'll all be old
and I'll be so damn beautiful
'paper bag'- anna nalick
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[29 Sep 2005|11:30am] |
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last night was fuckin awesome. fall out boy show with panic! at the disco, the starting line, boys night out, and motion city soundtrack. it was brian, my sister, her friend and although we were on the balcony we could see them fine and we had a lot of fun anyway. ahh. but i overslept my alarm and missed my morning class. whoops. and i might have to work today at 3. boo. i'm tired. oh well, it's money.
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[13 Sep 2005|11:46am] |
i just got back from my psychology class and I have my english class in about 45 minutes so this has to be quick. i am really enjoying college so far and my classes aren't bad at all. the workload is a lot less than i thought but maybe that's just because it's the beginning. i have a job babysitting a 3 year old boy a couple days a week. he was so shy when i met him yesterday and after his dad left he got really outgoing. i got an e-mail from his mom saying sean really liked me and is still talking about me. awww. hehe. that made me happy.
you know what i miss? i miss being able to write poetry. it seems i could only write poetry when i was sad before and since i'm hardly ever sad anymore it seems like i have nothing to write about anymore because happy poetry is so much harder to write. oh well. sigh. maybe i'll find it in me later, hopefully.
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[09 Sep 2005|04:42pm] |
well, miss julianna says i need to update more so i suppose i could..
i've started classes at a community college around here and so far i am liking it a lot. i'm taking two psychology classes, a humanities class and an english class. i've decided that i'd like to be a child psychologist again, that was my first choice for a long time until i started working at an elementary school and decided to be a teacher, but that has since passed and i am back to wanting to be a child psychologist.
brian and i are still together and i love him a lot, we were four months on the 5th. that doesn't sound like a long time but we have grown so close and we have a connection that most people can't get in four months, but for us it's natural. he's only a senior so he had to go back to school and it's hard not seeing him as much as we were seeing each other before. but when we do get to see each other it's that much more special.
i have a babysitting job now babysitting a 3 and a half year old boy named Shaun a couple times a week and he is incredibley adorable and i am looking forward to starting on Monday. right now everything just seems right in my life and i couldn't be happier. i was stressing out a lot about signing up for school and finding a job but now that it's all come together everything just seems perfect and i am very content right now with what i have.
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[28 Aug 2005|08:58pm] |
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ohh dear. it's so strange not having to get ready to go back to school tomorrow. my boyfriend is only going to be a senior so he has to go back tomorrow and i'm already lonely. sure, i'll probably still see him everyday or every other day but still, i've grown so attatched to him and i am so in love with him that it feels like he's going away forever. i don't know what i will do when he goes off to college. granted he's not leaving the state, it will still be tough. all of my friends have gone off to school and i'm stuck here. of course it was my choice and i'm sure if i had applied myself more i could be off at some university right now too. oh well. i have a feeling everything will come into place sooner or later. it's just a matter of time.
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| combust and feel better |
[16 Jul 2005|12:36am] |
sigh. i'm feeling quite miserable at the moment. i've spent the last couple days crying and i'm having a mental breakdown. brian and i like to joke about how we'll get married in 7 years and be a nice little family with a couple children and it's all nice and fun and last night he sent me a couple text messages saying he's young and he can't promise that this will work out. i got upset and mad at myself for letting me get caught up in this relationship and tonight i cried and cried and thought about whether i had made a big mistake breaking up with jason. everyone said i had more of a future with him. oh well. it's too late now. i want to move away and leave everything/everyone behind.
i got a babysitting job with a family with a 5 year old son named TJ. he was born with this rare metabolic disorder and went into a coma at the age of 3 days old and has since had a liver transplant and is delayed in his speech and motor skills by a couple years but other than that he's a normal boy. he's cute and loving and happy. i met them for the first time today and he gave me a hug and just did laps around the house laughing. it was adorable. i think it will be good for me.
i keep spacing out and i feel paralyzed. i don't feel like speaking, moving. i don't feel like doing anything.
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| afternoon delight |
[21 Jun 2005|11:54pm] |
oh it's been forever. since the last time i updated i graduated and got another boyfriend. I've been with him for over a month now officially although i've known him for ages. i'm proud of my relationship with jason though, it lasted over a year and i'm thankful i got to spend the time that i did with him because i grew a lot and i've grown into myself and have become more aware of who i am. brian has been absolutely amazing and he makes me feel like a princess.
that is my man Brian; isn't he so handsome? hehe..
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[12 Jun 2005|10:54pm] |
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so i am offically a high school graduate now. how exciting. the senior all night party was a lot of fun. it was cool being able to spend time with tom and jon and lisa. i've come to the conclusion that i am awesome at blackjack. =) i am going to miss jon so so so much when he goes away to school. i love jon so much. and dana is off to the army. i'm afraid i'm going to see his name on the news some day. that frightens me and worries me. so much is going to change in the coming months but i think i'm okay with that. change is good sometimes.
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| sarcastic farewell |
[03 May 2005|09:29pm] |
Sometimes you've got to learn to let go
No one here is really brave
(They always think so small)
I know there's something out there more for me
This town just makes me hate the sky
(It's always gray outside)
And all I wanted was to pass you by
Why does my life just fall apart?
When I listen to my heart
You know I can't leave you behind
Just keep those memories in your mind
You know there's nothing left to prove
(And even if I could)
You know there's nothing I can do
This time I've got to walk away
(I don't belong here)
You know I'll think about it everyday
Why does my life just fall apart?
When I listen to my heart
You know I can't leave you behind
Just keep those memories in your mind
Sometimes you've got to learn to let go
'sarcastic farewell' - bleed the dream
there's something you should know. something that pains me to say. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for failing us and giving up. i tried, i really did. i admit, things are changing. we've come so far, accomplished so much. i just need to find myself. i've lost myself in this battle against right and wrong. Should i eat or not eat? Should i throw up this bit of food i just had or let it sit, just this one time? the sad thing about it is i've missed it. i've missed the control i had and the superiority i felt i had over those who 'had' to eat. i love observing everyone else at lunch eat and eat while i sit with my water, feeling so proud of myself for not giving in. i've been told i already look thinner. hah. a whole 3 pounds. hooray. i can't wait to be 100 pounds again. yes, i would love to be a two digit number, however, i know that's unhealthy and unreasonable. let's just say it's not like it hasn't crossed my mind.
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[02 May 2005|08:25pm] |
You always had a way with words
In letters back and forth we'd send
Back when we were foolish kids
The world was only as big as a heart
And she walks just like I remember (just like I remember)
Like something's on her mind (something's on her mind)
And she said (and she said) that she would still remember
When everything, everything was fine
I wish everything was fine
You thought we had it figured out
And nothing can stop us now
I wish we were those foolish kids
We could go back inside again
We always knew this night would come
But I could never give you up
So just go on lying
'Cause we can just pretend
And she walks just like I remember (just like I remember)
Like something's on her mind (something's on her mind)
And she said (and she said) that she would still remember
when everything, everything was fine
I wish everything was fine
You always knew it was the right way
The right way to make a point in everything
I'm gonna make up for last time
I'm gonna make up for this
I'm gonna wake up and rewind
And she walks just like I remember
Something's on her mind
And she walks just like I remember (just like I remember)
Like something's on her mind (something's on her mind)
And she said (and she said) that she would still remember
When everything was fine
'Just Like I Remember'- Bleed The Dream
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